Well, wait 9 months after the first one is born at least. After my son was born, I graduated college (yay!) and began supporting my family full time. I still had to work the two jobs so that still meant very little time for me. In my mind I was fulfilling my commitment to my family and although I was exhausted 90% of the time I didn’t care because I was so proud of myself for being able to support 3 people on my own.
Pause: Hold up, did she just say 3 people?
Yep. I was married throughout this process. I am still very weary of sharing the details of my marriage publicly but in time I will find the right words to use. It is a key component to my story but I’ll ask for your patience as I sort through the emotions.
Play: Where was I? Oh yes, supporting my little family
I am a big picture person. Which means I picture what my goals are supposed to look like then work backwards to take the steps to achieving them. I my mind, I had reached my goal. I had a picture perfect family and that was all I needed to keep that going. I never stopped to think of how things “should” be because I had a responsibility and I was doing what it took to be the provider. I missed parties, family events, spent hours on the road, worked for weeks straight but I was happy or so I thought. All that work was for my family.
It is an understatement when I say this was a difficult pregnancy. By the time we got to the ultrasound to find out the gender I said “it can only be a girl because of all the drama” and I was right. This time around I had to make several difficult choices and my big picture thinking is what kept me going. I was hospitalized on several occasions and was told to either terminate my pregnancy or my body was likely to have a miscarriage anyway. I knew I wanted to bring this child into the world and the only step I could take to make that happen is to give her a chance. I remember when the doctor suggested I get a shot because they were pretty sure it was an ectopic pregnancy and they were pretty sure even if the baby came out it would implant in a bad spot and not make it. I only had to ask one question:
Is there a chance that the baby could survive?
She said yes and that was the end of all discussions. This took all of my faith to stand by my decision. So the choice to sacrifice myself for my child was very real and at not point did this become easier. You’ll learn about this in part three.
Ok, I don’t think I’m gonna be able to relate to this blog.
Now at this point you might feel like this blog isn’t for you because you’re not a parent or a mom but let me offer a spin on this. The situation might not be the same but the emotions are universal. This just happens to be the way my story unfolded.
1. We all experience disappointment. My biggest disappointment was how I felt. I was supposed to feel euphoric but I just felt let down. I felt I let myself down for not haven lost the baby weight before I got pregnant again. I felt overwhelmed with life and couldn’t bare to ask for help because it was my fault I was in this situation to begin with and the one person I felt should have stepped up, didn’t. I expected another smooth experience and got the complete opposite. When will be learn to stop setting ourselves up for disappointment by creating expectations?
2. We all have choices. They may not be great but we do have them. Whether it’s to work hard or walk away. To stay the course or change paths. Sometimes the only choices we have is whether to be optimistic or pessimistic because what is happening to use physically is out of our control.
3. Our faith will be tested. This is what helps us to define our character. It is easy to state what you believe but it isn’t until your faith is tested that you really learn about yourself. I learned so much about myself even though I didn’t realize it at the time and the learning never ends.
4. We all feel alone at some point. Sometimes it’s hard for us to believe anyone can relate to our stories but that’s simply not true. There is someone out there that understands exactly what you’re going through. That being said, if you find yourself thinking of someone while you read the blog, I ask you to share it. It might just be what they need to not feel like they are alone in their journey.
BONUS: These are the very rare pregnancy pictures. Both were taken about a month before my due date.
Coming up next: Step 3 and I take this body modification to a whole other level. Stay tuned!