I have anxiety. A lot of it and it doesn’t come in small waves, it crashes over me all at once. I am happy to say it only happens every so often but when it does I have to summon all of my inner strength.
Adding the YouTube Channel has been a logical step for me as I try to bring this project to a wider audience but I also found myself panicking. Despite my successful blog and Instagram account I thought for sure this would be the thing that would end my project. This is yet another way of putting myself on public display to be judged and criticized. I have no one else to blame if this turns out terrible. So, I had my little private panic attack and kept going. I wrote my lines and said them out loud. I felt ridiculous. I set up my camera and recorded several takes. The one that ultimately made it was the one I felt the best filming. It’s not the best one from a professional perspective. I will always wrestle with doubt but now that I am more aware of when it’s happening I take a step back and do the following:
- Text my fiancé, even though he’s at work, because if I’m going through this then I’m dragging him in with me. He tells me that he allegedly loves when I do this because it makes him feel like he’s helping me and appreciates that I trust him enough to share. My panicking is adorable. The first time I did this I thought he was going to think I was insane and childish for not being able to handle my own problems but I felt sooooo much better just writing my frustrations and sharing them with someone.
- Go workout. This isn’t always possible but if my heart rate is going to be up anyway I might as well do something productive with it. Also, because I am a comfort eater and need to be out of the house. I’m not sure why because I don’t think I even have anything unhealthy in there but I have flour, eggs, sugar and that’s pretty much the same thing.
- Write it down. Journaling can be a little weird to start off with. It’s sort of like talking to yourself out loud only you’re seeing your words and not hearing them. The act of writing stimulates so much more of your brain and if the thing you are stressing about looks really small and insignificant when you read it back then it usually helps put things in perspective.
This idea of perfection is suffocating and restricting if we continue to strive for its traditional meaning. I want to be perfectly me and I want you to be perfectly you. That is going to look so different if compared side by side. That’s what is so amazing about us, we are so different! We are built for different purposes. That is what I feel we need to embrace the most. Our own individuality.
My latest video is up but what you’re seeing is a panicked person who recorded themselves a dozen times that refused to give in to all the anxiety. I stayed true to my project and am presenting the one that felt just right for me. I really hope you enjoy it as much as I do.
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