How long can we truly live in pieces and expect to find peace?
How often have you said “Well, I love my arms, legs, and hair but, ugh, if I could just fix my breasts, stomach, or teeth I would be sooo much happier?” or I would say “Well, I’m ok with 90% of my body so that’s ok”.
None of that is peaceful and until you make peace with 100% of you then you are at war. With yourself. Spoiler alert, you tend to lose. A LOT.
If it’s not something physical then something spiritual or mental. If I was more outgoing then people would like me. If I was smarter I could carry myself better. If I could just….
My love and appreciation for who I was came after suffering a great loss. I lost myself once in a 10 year relationship that had slowly diminished my flame by someone trying to light their own. The problem with that is you can’t. It has to be an internal spark. So when I was no longer in that relationship I had to figure out who I was and if it was what I wanted to be.
It wasn’t but, who then, did I want to be and how can someone so broken ever put themselves back together?
My heart and my head were out of sync. My fears and failures had taken over. My self-worth and self-love was questionable at best. I decided to just do random stuff until something stuck. Until my little internal flame sparked back up. I took tiny and calculated “risks” and then that fire turned into a flame. In one year my entire physical, mental, and spiritual state was on its way to being an inferno! So what changed?
I started to see myself as a whole person. When I looked in the mirror and had to stare at loose skin, stretch marks, and scars covering my thighs and tummy I would be angry. Angry that I was so healthy and so strong I could finish a triathlon but still looked so ugly. How could I ever hold my head up high? How can I have gotten so much of my life together and have this ruin everything I worked so hard for? It seemed hopeless.
Then, I began to acknowledge that it wasn’t just the parts of me that were “perfect” that were crossing that finish line. It wasn’t just the toned pieces of me waking me up to train hard and stay focused. It was ALL of me. We all crossed the finish line. We all worked to get me through each and every race. Not every race was the same and I didn’t start with triathlons. I started with one run. It lasted 3 minutes. Fear and nausea told me to stop but the next day I kept going. Then I started with 5Ks. All of me showed up. Every time and without fail. How could I resent something that has worked so hard for me?
It’s an incredible feeling to feel solid and confident to be able to finish a race. It makes you feel safe and when you feel safe then you are ready to take risks and risks help us to grow. Growth is where all the fears and challenges are. If we go into situations already broken up then we are weak and if fear knows anything, it is where our weaknesses are. I can’t tell you how many times I have given up before I gave myself a full chance. If I wasn’t great at it from the start the fear set in that it was a sign I was going to fail anyway so I might as well stop while I’m ahead. Now I know that all I need is a plan and to take my first step. I’ll get there eventually.
I wish I could say I wasn’t afraid of stuff now or that I haven’t failed or that I know all the answers. I can’t. Oh well. I know me and keep discovering how ridiculously dedicated I am to being the very best version of me.
What I do know is that taking the easy road has never been my style. So went from running to triathlons. All the while my kids have been there watching and learning.
They’re played in the playground while I rode my bike. They’ve timed my laps at the pool. They walk/run next to me on the treadmill. They even assumed I was competing in an Ironman when I took them to see the transition area since it happened to be in our new home town even though I haven’t competed in a race in over a year.
They see me as an Ironman. They don’t see my limits. They don’t see my weaknesses. They only see me chasing after my dreams. Setting goals and accomplishing them.
A whole person who is no longer living in pieces.
You are incredible you. Incapable of being copied or reproduced. A true one of a kind. A masterpiece. An unstoppable force. A complete human being who may have forgotten that a little or maybe a lot. That’s ok. You have today to see a new path and to dare to take the first steps to walk down it. Down the path to healing and discovering your self worth so you can march on to self-love. All the while feeling peaceful knowing you are no longer at war with yourself.
NEWS AND UPDATES!
- I can finally add cover girl to my resume! Check out the full article and pics here: Ana Rojas Redefining Mombod
2. Seattle is ON!! Details all here Meetup, Mud, and Chocolate in Seattle