The Fear in Finding Myself

Discover my self worth or discover I was worthless?

 

Deal with a loss of knowing everything I knew or deal with losing everything I was meant to know?

It’s not that difficult to chose when you feel you no longer have anything left to lose. It was in my despair that I re-discovered one of my greatest strengths: ME.

In trying so desperately to find love and happiness, I got lost in the process. I was walking farther and farther way from my own light but never realized it because I was so focused on everyone else’s light. By the time I turned around, I realized I was in complete darkness. I had no clue where my light had gone or how to find it.

So I had to begin to search. I searched for it in same places I always had. Validation from my friends and family. Validation from my job title and bank account balance. Validation from a compliment from a stranger. Every time I thought I had found IT, it dissolved. What if I was wrong? What if the life I had left was it and I made a HUGE mistake?

Much to my dismay, I had a yearning in my heart that would NOT go away. It made no sense though. It wanted me to go to the beach and it wanted me to wear a bikini. Sound lame? On the surface it sure does but it’s the truth. It was a gesture of freedom for me. Freedom to enjoy the ONE place I loved the most. On my terms. How could I though? Sure I was fit and healthy and alive but those nasty stretch marks/scars, the thighs that touch, and loose skin… Those didn’t fit the bill. I lost the qualification to enjoy a bikini years ago. Why would my heart be wanting something so foolish?

But was it?

Turns out. It wasn’t. I showed up to the beach and there was no one there checking to see if I was bikini body appropriate. We walked right onto the beach. I felt the wind and sun on my skin and I almost felt naked. It felt so nice. Then I looked around waiting for the fashion police to show up and write me a ticket or haul me off to reality jail. Nope. Never happened. I sat and played with my daughter in the sand and jumped the waves with my son. Waiting for the lifeguard to ask me to cover up because my body jiggles were upsetting other beach goers. Still nothing. Our day came and went without incident. I did it! I did something I was absolutely terrified of and I lived!!

My little light sparked. I began a journey exploring and following the random callings in my heart. Every time it was something scarier and scarier. Try a 10K. Try a half marathon. Try a triathlon. Try posting that picture. Try sharing your story. Try modeling. Try negotiating that contract. Try going on dates. Try to say yes. Just trust me and just try. By taking that one seemingly random step of faith I am here. Sharing with you and thousands of people all over the world. I get e-mails and messages from people telling me I have changed their lives. Me! How did that happen?? By make one tiny decision over and over again. To make decisions that were based out of love.

That decision started almost 6 years ago. I still feel I have only begun to uncover my potential and I still live with an extreme amount of anxiety. I still think that THIS time is the time I will be proven all of this I have worked so hard for is wrong. I can’t help that. I wish I could. It would really, really, really make my life so much easier. I may have learned to trust my calling but it didn’t happen in the miraculous way you see it depicted in movies and tv. The character has this epiphany then everything everything magically falls into place. Nopers. Didn’t happen here. I freak out with just about every new opportunity.

What did happen is that I have found my light. I am allowing it to shine in whatever way it’s supposed it. I am allowing ALL of the parts of my journey have their time in the spotlight. I share my successes as well as my failures. I let love take the lead. While I not so secretly remain afraid this will all fall apart, I am enjoying the life love is building for me a hell of a lot more than the one fear ever did. I’m calling fear out every chance I get and every time love has won.

What is your heart pushing you towards? Why are you resisting? What would you do if you were guaranteed it would succeed? I bet you it’s worth a try.

 

 

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